There is a void….
Blankness…emptiness…
Feeling washed out
Dizzied…
Darkness enveloping
Groping for light
Sanity
Eludes me…
Mixed emotions
Crying…
Pain….hurt…aching…
Blinding tears…
Beautiful tears…
Cleansing...…
Aching…hurting…paining….
Washed out…
Soul cleansed
Newness
A rebirth…awaiting
Threshold…
Still holding…..
Fog to clear….
Dawn to break…
New Day!
Butterfly in the room
Its gold and purple wings
Flirting with the ceiling
Circling placidly
It descends, same grace
It rests on the window sill
Real close to me
I can see its powdery wings
Its eyes that seem to stare back
Its beauty, breathtaking
Doesn’t move
Stares on
Its presence is venerable
Its communion palpable
I feel
I understand
Tells me not to worry
Everything will be alright
Flirters from the window sill
Now on my maps on the wall
Reading the map to go home?
Already?
Don’t leave yet!
I implore with my following eyes
Back on the windowsill
Briefly
Says goodbye
I open the window
I know its time for you to fly away
Thanks butterfly!
This guy that I’m crazy about and have begun dating just told me that he is a polyamorist….ya, strange term, right? He loves more than one woman. Not just me and another but there is another. We are three in the picture!
Do I keep seeing him? Do I respect his choice of lifestyle and go along with it, afterall he has been honest enough to tell me about it and not kept it a secret. That’s the idea, to tell the other partner, being open, laying things down on the table…whatever term sounds fit. He has also extended the same opportunity for me….if I like another guy, all I need to do is keep him on the know and we are good. Ha?
I don’t know what to think about it. I respect the honest bit and the fact that he is not seeing someone behind my back. He is seeing someone with my knowledge and a bit of my authority or is it permission – if I am not comfortable with the arrangement, we can end it. That part is great. The part I am not comfortable with is the part that makes him want to love another woman. I will be asking myself questions. What is that window of opportunity I have left open for him? Do I have some deficiency? Is it the sex? Really, I’m I good in the sack? Is she prettier? More intelligent? He says it’s not about me.
He says the picture is bigger than I want to see it. Way bigger. He says it’s about being open-minded, being liberal with our feelings. Accepting what really should be a normal way of life only that we are dying or is it hiding behind monogamy as we cheat away on our partners. Makes lots of sense, I agree. But are we cut out for this? I’m I cut out for this? Can I stay with the knowledge that my boyfriend is seeing another woman and not commit a crime of passion? Can I? I deem myself open-minded but I’m I really? Open minded people take this sort of things in their stride. For me its more like dragging a really heavy bag along a rough surface…not easy.
So, since I am in this and I not ready to leave him I shall shape up. This is my shaping up strategy. Since we are putting things on the table, I shall lay mine as well. First question on my mind is if flirting counts…..I’m thinking about that sexy boy who does my hair. I have all sorts of wild ideas with him. I will check that with my boyfriend. I suddenly feel less guilty for winking at him and swishing my bottom a little harder in his bare sight as I leave the salon. Speaking of boys (suddenly I realize I get lots of service from men) no wild ideas here! There is the boy at the bookstore where I pick my books. He is so ever willing to go up the ladder, come down with a load of titles…break his nails pulling out one that is in a tight row, then I will give it a cursory glance and say ‘no’. Oh that boy, the way he fleetingly rubs his hand against mine ‘accidentally’ and apologises profusely, but his eyes tell me something else. Oh, how could I forget Mark the guy who sits in the last cubicle. The one whose little place is separated from the rest of us with glass, you know to create boundaries. But he wishes he could mingle freely with the rest of us minions, I have caught him severally peering at me. I stare back and smile, he smiles and waves. When we meet at the coffee machine, which we always do (I suspect he watches me to see when I get off my seat) he smiles shyly and offers to carry my coffee for me. Just last week he mastered enough courage to walk down the stairs and out the front door with me and asked me out. I sweetly told him I was seeing someone else….I guess I can now go on that date with Mark! I guess I have something to bring to the table too! May be I do!
